Give ear to my words Oh Lord
Consider my meditation
harken them to the voice of my cry
my king and my God
For unto Thee will I pray
My voice shalt Thou hear in the morning
Oh Lord in the morning will I direct my prayer
Unto thee with Love
God is With Us
,at 5:11 AM
They say that children are sponges. They are what educators call “Tabula rasa”. They are a blank slate. This concept of a child being sponge-like in their absorption of information has made me reflect. It has come to mind lately because of recent memories and trivial thoughts that have invaded my brain. It seems to me that most of those thoughts arrived by invitation and others “crashed the party.” Some of those thoughts were implanted and others remained by the sight of a passing image or something a passerby would speak aloud. Our brain is so vulnerable. It can be intruded upon so very easily, from birth to death.
Growing up in a home where my father was an atheist whose passion was music, television and the movies and a mother who was a dogmatic churchgoer can be confusing for a child. It is normal for a child to want to please their parents so on many occasions my father and I would share TV time and go to the movies together and all the rest of my time was devoted to attending services and participating in as many church activities as possible.
My father’s hopes and dreams were that I become an actress and it was pretty much expected of me. At one point in my life I actually pursued a career in entertainment. My mother’s dream for me was salvation. My mother just didn’t want me to suffer through eternal damnation.
In retrospect, neither wanted me to experience having a relationship with the Lord. I must say, my mother was very encouraging in my church going but never spoke to me about God in a personal manner. As a child it was more about avoidance of hell than the attraction of spending eternity with a God who knows me and loves me and wants to have that relationship with me. Was this intentional on her part? I don’t believe so.
Whatever the case I have learned from others, thoughts and ideas were entrenched in me. I have been exposed to things that will remain in my sub consciousness forever unless I become an amnesiac.
What am I to do with the exposure of unwanted ideas provoked by a parent, teacher or media? I was just a child. I was a blank slate.
I was at a diner today with my husband and as we waited for our meal to arrive, I heard music overhead. It wasn’t the typical fed in Musak (elevator music) that emitted from the antiquated speakers in the diner. It was a familiar song just above my head. It was something you would hear on the radio.
I recognized the intro to the song. It’s the very long and lovely guitar intro on “Hotel California” by The Eagles. I pride myself in the fact that I can name almost any tune on the radio and when my daughters were younger I would give them a nickel for every song I couldn’t name, They didn’t get many nickels. Thinking back now it wasn’t quite fair but they got a kick out of it.
There are things stored in my memory that are extremely useful and edifying. These recollections are a blessing to retrieve for daily application. Frustratingly, there is also an abundant amount of useless information that just gets in the way of the good stuff.
This confusion has made me mindful of what I take in.
.
The Eagles are still singing about the hotel, (actually it’s a song about an acid trip) and I am pretty upset that some of the data in my brain contains useless things like the lyrics to a drug anthem and I am sure that many other Christians go through the same thing.
I announce to my husband before the vocals of the song come in that the song is Hotel California. He smiles. But I have realized that I interrupted his thoughts. His lips were moving and while I reminisced about the song my husband was praying barely above a whisper. He was totally oblivious of the music playing in the background to him it was just white noise.
This is something he does often but not always. He prays softly when there is lull or a silence. God is constantly in his thoughts and on his mind and he takes advantage of any moment allotted to him to speak to the Lord. This was a rude awakening for me.
Perhaps because I knew that my husband is very familiar with this song especially since years ago we watched an Eagles Concert together.
He was able to block that memory even pushed it away to make room for Godly thoughts.
Being part of this world and having a history of things secular is unavoidable. It’s what we do with what we have obtained from this world that is important. There are things we have learned outside of our church walls that have been beneficial to us. We may have been exposed to music for the first time by listening to secular music. We might have been shown the beauty of literature by reading Shakespeare, Beckett or Bronte.
Many of us have learned the fine arts through several different secular Medias and that’s expected. It’s what we do with that knowledge and how we can use it for God’s Glory that becomes meaningful.
I am not going to sing Hotel California in church but I am going to share my love for music by worshipping the Lord through the music of well established, truly founded in Christ, Christian artists. I can still enjoy a good book but perhaps would focus more on the works of C.S.Lewis, Aquinas, Nee or Peale. These are devout Christian authors.
The only way we can take the past and our non essential memories and put them away is if we fill our thoughts with all things Godly. A daily life of prayer and reading of the scriptures is a healthy start to storing new and valuable information into our brains.
“But the word is very near to you, in your mouth, and in your heart, that you may do it.” Deut. 30:14
It is impossible to create a protective shield on any unwanted invasions of secularity or ungodly thoughts but it is not impossible to ignore undesirable thoughts. The only manner in which we can become strong in replacing those thoughts is to substitute it with the available presence of God in our lives. That presence can only be ever present in us with a continuous walk in the Lord.
I imagine my husband’s substitution of useless memories with godly thoughts as prioritizing. He enjoys music like anyone else and at one point in his life enjoyed The Eagles. What’s new is that he put God before the band and he loves God too much to ignore him for some trivial thought.
Romans 12:2
Don't be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so t”hat you may prove what is the good, well-pleasing, and perfect will of God.”
God Bless You
Debbie
Growing up in a home where my father was an atheist whose passion was music, television and the movies and a mother who was a dogmatic churchgoer can be confusing for a child. It is normal for a child to want to please their parents so on many occasions my father and I would share TV time and go to the movies together and all the rest of my time was devoted to attending services and participating in as many church activities as possible.
My father’s hopes and dreams were that I become an actress and it was pretty much expected of me. At one point in my life I actually pursued a career in entertainment. My mother’s dream for me was salvation. My mother just didn’t want me to suffer through eternal damnation.
In retrospect, neither wanted me to experience having a relationship with the Lord. I must say, my mother was very encouraging in my church going but never spoke to me about God in a personal manner. As a child it was more about avoidance of hell than the attraction of spending eternity with a God who knows me and loves me and wants to have that relationship with me. Was this intentional on her part? I don’t believe so.
Whatever the case I have learned from others, thoughts and ideas were entrenched in me. I have been exposed to things that will remain in my sub consciousness forever unless I become an amnesiac.
What am I to do with the exposure of unwanted ideas provoked by a parent, teacher or media? I was just a child. I was a blank slate.
I was at a diner today with my husband and as we waited for our meal to arrive, I heard music overhead. It wasn’t the typical fed in Musak (elevator music) that emitted from the antiquated speakers in the diner. It was a familiar song just above my head. It was something you would hear on the radio.
I recognized the intro to the song. It’s the very long and lovely guitar intro on “Hotel California” by The Eagles. I pride myself in the fact that I can name almost any tune on the radio and when my daughters were younger I would give them a nickel for every song I couldn’t name, They didn’t get many nickels. Thinking back now it wasn’t quite fair but they got a kick out of it.
There are things stored in my memory that are extremely useful and edifying. These recollections are a blessing to retrieve for daily application. Frustratingly, there is also an abundant amount of useless information that just gets in the way of the good stuff.
This confusion has made me mindful of what I take in.
.
The Eagles are still singing about the hotel, (actually it’s a song about an acid trip) and I am pretty upset that some of the data in my brain contains useless things like the lyrics to a drug anthem and I am sure that many other Christians go through the same thing.
I announce to my husband before the vocals of the song come in that the song is Hotel California. He smiles. But I have realized that I interrupted his thoughts. His lips were moving and while I reminisced about the song my husband was praying barely above a whisper. He was totally oblivious of the music playing in the background to him it was just white noise.
This is something he does often but not always. He prays softly when there is lull or a silence. God is constantly in his thoughts and on his mind and he takes advantage of any moment allotted to him to speak to the Lord. This was a rude awakening for me.
Perhaps because I knew that my husband is very familiar with this song especially since years ago we watched an Eagles Concert together.
He was able to block that memory even pushed it away to make room for Godly thoughts.
Being part of this world and having a history of things secular is unavoidable. It’s what we do with what we have obtained from this world that is important. There are things we have learned outside of our church walls that have been beneficial to us. We may have been exposed to music for the first time by listening to secular music. We might have been shown the beauty of literature by reading Shakespeare, Beckett or Bronte.
Many of us have learned the fine arts through several different secular Medias and that’s expected. It’s what we do with that knowledge and how we can use it for God’s Glory that becomes meaningful.
I am not going to sing Hotel California in church but I am going to share my love for music by worshipping the Lord through the music of well established, truly founded in Christ, Christian artists. I can still enjoy a good book but perhaps would focus more on the works of C.S.Lewis, Aquinas, Nee or Peale. These are devout Christian authors.
The only way we can take the past and our non essential memories and put them away is if we fill our thoughts with all things Godly. A daily life of prayer and reading of the scriptures is a healthy start to storing new and valuable information into our brains.
“But the word is very near to you, in your mouth, and in your heart, that you may do it.” Deut. 30:14
It is impossible to create a protective shield on any unwanted invasions of secularity or ungodly thoughts but it is not impossible to ignore undesirable thoughts. The only manner in which we can become strong in replacing those thoughts is to substitute it with the available presence of God in our lives. That presence can only be ever present in us with a continuous walk in the Lord.
I imagine my husband’s substitution of useless memories with godly thoughts as prioritizing. He enjoys music like anyone else and at one point in his life enjoyed The Eagles. What’s new is that he put God before the band and he loves God too much to ignore him for some trivial thought.
Romans 12:2
Don't be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so t”hat you may prove what is the good, well-pleasing, and perfect will of God.”
God Bless You
Debbie
Tuesday, September 19, 2006,at 4:54 AM
Our youth recently participated in the "Street To Street" Event in Sunset Park.
More than a dozen teens gave their heart to Christ,... talk about love and basketball!
Here are some pics. Enjoy!
Monday, September 11, 2006,at 11:26 AM
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18
13 Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14 We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15 According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18 Therefore encourage each other with these words.
Thursday, September 07, 2006,at 6:19 AM
I am going to take a break for a while but I will return soon
Love Pastora
Monday, September 04, 2006,at 8:04 PM
Amazin Grace (Christian Comedian Rod Z)
Here's a laugh from Christian comedian Rod Z
Enjoy!
Here's a laugh from Christian comedian Rod Z
Enjoy!
,at 7:15 AM
I have written about what is going on with me as requested.
The posts are after the "Home Sweet home" article.
I know, understandably, that many of you have questions
The posts are after the "Home Sweet home" article.
I know, understandably, that many of you have questions
Sunday, September 03, 2006,at 11:00 PM
I love my home. I love the way it smells. I love the way it looks. and I love how comfortable I feel in my home. The plush sofas, old but still comfy, are such a source of relaxation for me. Since I have been spending more time at home I have come to appreciate how much of a sanctuary it is. I think first and foremost, the reason for this is that God is welcomed in our home. His presence is felt. His word is spoken. Praises are sung to Him and an occassional dance of jubilation is danced in His honor. Prayers and conversation with Him are ongoing in our home placing Him first in the leadership of the home and asking His guidance on how to run it.
It is 2:05 a.m. Hubby is asleep on the sofa, History channel as his white noise that monotonely sways him to sleep is playing in the background. I am in my room under my big, comfy quilt listening to Family Radio. I hear an occassional car pass by in this solitary area of Brooklyn. I reminisce about the day and the wonderful church service and the beautiful fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ.
If you are at home now, look around you at all the things that make you comfortable, things the Lord has blessed you with. Perhaps the familiar aroma of home cooking is wafting in the air. Maybe it is the security of your parents being in the room right by yours or that favorite pillow or the familiarity of your surroundings. The baby in the crib or bassinette beside you, the spouse in prayer by your side. The sister who consoles you and is there whenever you need them. Drinking coffee or hot chocolate in your favorite mug while watching TV in your favorite pj's.
Life is stressful but home should not be. Try to make it so. It's possible for you to cross that threshold of your home and leave your cares behind. Make a commitment to leave the outside world outside and walk into your haven where the presence of the Lord as your refuge awaits.
Most times we rush through the doors and start off on the next thing on our "to do" list and we are flustered. We rush to work to rush home to rush to church or to an appointment, we even rush to getaway and relax. Rushing all the time, harried and at times a mess.
I've read The Bible and I have yet to find (maybe I'm wrong) anything that says when Jesus walked on this earth He walked with a "to do" list or rushed the sermon in the mount so that he can get to the next thing on His agenda. He was calm, relaxed basking in all that His father God is and sharing that with others. He didn't even rush when they told Him, his friend Lazarus had died. He walked with a security that God the Father would get Him through whatever he needed to get through. And that He would have another 24 hours to do the things He didn't get done today.
God wants this feeling for all of His children, that feeling of security, a reliability in a haven that He has set up for you on this earth until His return. God wants us to feel cozy and He wants us to lay our burdens down. He wants us to relax and be assured that His hand will lead our way if we hold on to it.
This is what I'd like for you to try. Upon returning home from your next work or school day look at the threshold of your home and say, "Thank you God, I am home. I am safe. I will relax and enjoy the blessings you have bestowed upon me and my home. I am going to spend some time with You , Father and forget about everything else because I know You didn't intend for me to live my life in such mental dissarray due to stress and not taking time to stop and smell the roses, speak to You and relax. Help me to relax."
'"My peace I give unto you
It's a peace that the world cannot give
It's a peace that the world cannot understand
Peace to love
Peace to live
My peace I give unto you"
Relax, sit back, take in your surroundings and find comfort in the Lord
ahhhh feels good doesn't it?
Thank you Jesus
It is 2:05 a.m. Hubby is asleep on the sofa, History channel as his white noise that monotonely sways him to sleep is playing in the background. I am in my room under my big, comfy quilt listening to Family Radio. I hear an occassional car pass by in this solitary area of Brooklyn. I reminisce about the day and the wonderful church service and the beautiful fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ.
If you are at home now, look around you at all the things that make you comfortable, things the Lord has blessed you with. Perhaps the familiar aroma of home cooking is wafting in the air. Maybe it is the security of your parents being in the room right by yours or that favorite pillow or the familiarity of your surroundings. The baby in the crib or bassinette beside you, the spouse in prayer by your side. The sister who consoles you and is there whenever you need them. Drinking coffee or hot chocolate in your favorite mug while watching TV in your favorite pj's.
Life is stressful but home should not be. Try to make it so. It's possible for you to cross that threshold of your home and leave your cares behind. Make a commitment to leave the outside world outside and walk into your haven where the presence of the Lord as your refuge awaits.
Most times we rush through the doors and start off on the next thing on our "to do" list and we are flustered. We rush to work to rush home to rush to church or to an appointment, we even rush to getaway and relax. Rushing all the time, harried and at times a mess.
I've read The Bible and I have yet to find (maybe I'm wrong) anything that says when Jesus walked on this earth He walked with a "to do" list or rushed the sermon in the mount so that he can get to the next thing on His agenda. He was calm, relaxed basking in all that His father God is and sharing that with others. He didn't even rush when they told Him, his friend Lazarus had died. He walked with a security that God the Father would get Him through whatever he needed to get through. And that He would have another 24 hours to do the things He didn't get done today.
God wants this feeling for all of His children, that feeling of security, a reliability in a haven that He has set up for you on this earth until His return. God wants us to feel cozy and He wants us to lay our burdens down. He wants us to relax and be assured that His hand will lead our way if we hold on to it.
This is what I'd like for you to try. Upon returning home from your next work or school day look at the threshold of your home and say, "Thank you God, I am home. I am safe. I will relax and enjoy the blessings you have bestowed upon me and my home. I am going to spend some time with You , Father and forget about everything else because I know You didn't intend for me to live my life in such mental dissarray due to stress and not taking time to stop and smell the roses, speak to You and relax. Help me to relax."
'"My peace I give unto you
It's a peace that the world cannot give
It's a peace that the world cannot understand
Peace to love
Peace to live
My peace I give unto you"
Relax, sit back, take in your surroundings and find comfort in the Lord
ahhhh feels good doesn't it?
Thank you Jesus
Saturday, September 02, 2006,at 5:23 PM
I had the second Heller Myotomy at Mount Sinai Hospital. It was difficult and they didn't re-open the previous scar but gave me a brand new one! Great, now I look like I have been bitten by a shark twice. I was intibated and had a hose running from the inside of my nose down to Lord knows where but it felt like it was down to my toes and everytime I swallowed it was like plastic scraping against the inside of my throat.
I was in the Cardiothoracic Intensive Care Unit for a week and a half before being sent home.
When I got home I felt something wasn't right.
My breathing was hard but I thought that was just part of the recovery. I ate banana baby food because that was all I could take at the time.
My wariness that everything wasn't alright proved to be true. I had a lung infection and had to go back to the hospital and then I got Pneumonia as well and had to go back to the hospital so recovery wasn't easy. That was four years ago.
Ever since the last surgery the motility disorder returned (difficulty swallowing) and I have to get an esophagael biopsy every six months to check for cancer. I am put under anesthesia during this and recovery is about 2 days. I am under medication now but my illness is progressively debilitating.
I went to see a specialist a few months ago at NY Presbyterian and was told that I shouldn't have another myotomy it would only patch things up because as you know by now reader, there is no cure. That's what the doctor says but there is nothing impossible for God.
The specialist said instead that my esophagus should be removed entirely (an esophagectomy) The esophagus is removed and the stomach in transformed into a tube like whatever and it would act as my esophagus but the chance of my surviving the operation wasnt good . And in the Dotor's word my life would not be the same.
I have had this disease my whole life and by God's grace have survived 2 majorly difficult operations and have not died during the night.
Today my symptoms have become worsened. I have night aspirations (choking) which causes lack of sleep which causes fatigue. I have anemia because I do not eat because I do not want to choke. So I am not eating or sleeping. I become faint and dizzy and nauseas so, so often. I have a lump in my neck from all the vomitting, a growth in my esophagus the size of an egg and growing and polyps in other parts of my body.
The chest pains persist and the spasms continue. I had to go on disability and am no longer teaching because my doctors don't think I should be working anymore ( no one wants a teacher passing out during a class trip) I am being monitored but things are not looking good as the Achalasia is worsening. The biopsies continue. I take naps during the day and try to eat several small meals. I am on medication which pretty much knocks me out. I stay at home because walking is difficult and breathing is laborious. My hair is falling out. My teeth are falling out as well. I've lost 43 lbs in a matter of months and in one week lost 6 pounds without even dieting.
Getting up to leave the house as I said before is very tasking and once in my destination I can rest for a few minutes before the spasms, breathing and jitteriness continue. I try so hard not to let others see this especially when I have faith that hings will get better.
Livng through adversity as a Christian is a tremendous thing God gives strength where there is none left. Look at Hermana Francisca and cedeno who come to church having gone through chemo and knee surgery or Carlos who walks for miles aftertreatments for his kidney condition. The will to live is there because there is hope in God.
Sometimes God also says it's time to rest.
There are other symptoms to my illnesss that are private and I will not share but just as God prepares a person for their reunion with Him, just as God sustains, God can heal and to the very end I will believe He can heal me.
What is His plan?
We all have that question whether it is for health reasons, looking for a job, the decision to have children, the decision to wed, to move, to continue studying or to continue to fight disease or succomb.
Life is a mystery
God has all the answers
My faith is not swayed an iota and neither should yours be
There it is in black and white.
Why am I telling you this now and not before?
I'm telling you now because I have been requested to give the details of my illness by a few people and due to the circumstances surrounding all of us, I felt I should comply. I would not normally do this and it is only of late that I have become more vocal about my illness. I have true confidence in God and His ability to heal me and when He wills it, I will be healed.
In the meantime I ask for understanding. This is a difficult time for all of us and I was not going to even bring it up if it were not for the requests.
Pray for me as we should each other. Pray for my family. Pray for my husband as this is especially difficult for him.
There will be some more crying and some joy because God is good. He brings laughter in the middle of pain.
Pray for each other always, have compassion for each other as Christ has compassion with us.
Be Blessed
Pastora Debbie
Feel free to ask me any questions
I was in the Cardiothoracic Intensive Care Unit for a week and a half before being sent home.
When I got home I felt something wasn't right.
My breathing was hard but I thought that was just part of the recovery. I ate banana baby food because that was all I could take at the time.
My wariness that everything wasn't alright proved to be true. I had a lung infection and had to go back to the hospital and then I got Pneumonia as well and had to go back to the hospital so recovery wasn't easy. That was four years ago.
Ever since the last surgery the motility disorder returned (difficulty swallowing) and I have to get an esophagael biopsy every six months to check for cancer. I am put under anesthesia during this and recovery is about 2 days. I am under medication now but my illness is progressively debilitating.
I went to see a specialist a few months ago at NY Presbyterian and was told that I shouldn't have another myotomy it would only patch things up because as you know by now reader, there is no cure. That's what the doctor says but there is nothing impossible for God.
The specialist said instead that my esophagus should be removed entirely (an esophagectomy) The esophagus is removed and the stomach in transformed into a tube like whatever and it would act as my esophagus but the chance of my surviving the operation wasnt good . And in the Dotor's word my life would not be the same.
I have had this disease my whole life and by God's grace have survived 2 majorly difficult operations and have not died during the night.
Today my symptoms have become worsened. I have night aspirations (choking) which causes lack of sleep which causes fatigue. I have anemia because I do not eat because I do not want to choke. So I am not eating or sleeping. I become faint and dizzy and nauseas so, so often. I have a lump in my neck from all the vomitting, a growth in my esophagus the size of an egg and growing and polyps in other parts of my body.
The chest pains persist and the spasms continue. I had to go on disability and am no longer teaching because my doctors don't think I should be working anymore ( no one wants a teacher passing out during a class trip) I am being monitored but things are not looking good as the Achalasia is worsening. The biopsies continue. I take naps during the day and try to eat several small meals. I am on medication which pretty much knocks me out. I stay at home because walking is difficult and breathing is laborious. My hair is falling out. My teeth are falling out as well. I've lost 43 lbs in a matter of months and in one week lost 6 pounds without even dieting.
Getting up to leave the house as I said before is very tasking and once in my destination I can rest for a few minutes before the spasms, breathing and jitteriness continue. I try so hard not to let others see this especially when I have faith that hings will get better.
Livng through adversity as a Christian is a tremendous thing God gives strength where there is none left. Look at Hermana Francisca and cedeno who come to church having gone through chemo and knee surgery or Carlos who walks for miles aftertreatments for his kidney condition. The will to live is there because there is hope in God.
Sometimes God also says it's time to rest.
There are other symptoms to my illnesss that are private and I will not share but just as God prepares a person for their reunion with Him, just as God sustains, God can heal and to the very end I will believe He can heal me.
What is His plan?
We all have that question whether it is for health reasons, looking for a job, the decision to have children, the decision to wed, to move, to continue studying or to continue to fight disease or succomb.
Life is a mystery
God has all the answers
My faith is not swayed an iota and neither should yours be
There it is in black and white.
Why am I telling you this now and not before?
I'm telling you now because I have been requested to give the details of my illness by a few people and due to the circumstances surrounding all of us, I felt I should comply. I would not normally do this and it is only of late that I have become more vocal about my illness. I have true confidence in God and His ability to heal me and when He wills it, I will be healed.
In the meantime I ask for understanding. This is a difficult time for all of us and I was not going to even bring it up if it were not for the requests.
Pray for me as we should each other. Pray for my family. Pray for my husband as this is especially difficult for him.
There will be some more crying and some joy because God is good. He brings laughter in the middle of pain.
Pray for each other always, have compassion for each other as Christ has compassion with us.
Be Blessed
Pastora Debbie
Feel free to ask me any questions
,at 7:50 AM
So I sat across from Angel as he ate his slice of pizza and I stared at mine. I looked up into his beautiful big eyes and said, "I'm sick and I don't know what it is." Then I went on to tell him everything even told him about my prayers for deliverance. He listened and said he understood and that he still wanted to be with me and that was no reason to break up and then I fell deeper in love.
He proposed to me nine months later while we watched The Wizard of Oz in my living room. Guess what I said? Yes, of course(Cheesiness ends here)
I continued with the vomitting, choking, chest spasms, fainting spells , etc. during the first years of our marriage.
I carried 2 babies who were high risk due to my mysterious illness, I was hospitalized for dehydration several times during my pregnancies both girls were prematurely born thhrough emergency c- sections.
After the birth of my second child, my doctor said I had gall stones and that was what was giving me all the symptoms. I wasn't so sure because I've had the symptoms for years by this time and wouldn't Gall stones be pretty apparent with all the tests I've taken but I went along. I was desperate. I was down to 70lbs. I looked skeletal. I could barely stand and I couldn't go out because of the fear I would faint.
I had surgery to remove my gall bladder. ugh! It was horrible but while I was in the hospital recovering, I ate the hospital food and the symptoms were still there.
I returned home 2 weeks after my c-section immediately followed by my gall bladder surgery a week later. At home I did the best I could and people around me were growing frustrated that my symptoms were still manifesting.
A week of recovery at home and weepful prayers, I returned to the hospital to get my stitches removed.
While my stitches were being removed my very caring and concerned doctor with the bedside manners of an angel spoke to me. "I have some good news and some bad news." He said
I thought something was wrong with the stitches, perhaps they were infected but he said he had some good news too, what could it be?
"We found out what's wrong with you. We know what's been causing your difficulty and swallowing and your choking."
I knew it wasnt the gall bladder!!!!
All stitches removed he stood before me and explained. If this were a movie , the camera would pan out and you would see a mixture of expressions on my face and the back of my doctors head , of course.
I went from excited to horrified to relieved to scared. This is what he told me.
This is paraphrased
" You have a rare disorder called Achalasia. You have Massive Achalasia. There is no cure. It is a stricture of the esophagus. It is congenital, meaning you were born with it. Your esophagus does not move when it should . It is paralyzed and the stricture (bottom part) is practically closed, the entryway is a thick as a sewing needle (which is why even liquids wouldn't go down) It is a miracle you are alive and carried 2 babies but we have to do emergency surgery because you will not be able to survive with this for long....."
I had the surgery. There were risk because it was a highly invasive surgery and my condition at the time of it was especially frail.
The surgery is called a Heller Myotomy. The surgeon cuts below thhe left breast to under the left arm to the mid back. The surgery is performed by taking the bottom half of my esophagus and cutting it , then wrapping the stomach tube thingy around it to act as the stricture. It was extensive surgery and many times it was touch and go. I was in intensive care for days after and in the hospital for weeks recovering. I have a scar resembling a shark bite on my left side with over one hundred stitches.
Before I ate my first real meal (not liquids) I read a Psalm and prayed. I ate my first meal and to feel the food pass through the esophagus and into my stomach was mind blowing. I cried and thanked God. I was so happy.
I was able to eat well after that and put on weight quickly because my metabolism was shot but I WAS SWALLOWING.
This lasted for 15 years . Then the symptoms began again. "There is no cure." I denied the symptoms for a long time but they were getting worse and worse. Four years ago, now. The doctor said the Heller Myotomy needed to be done again because the Achalasia returned.
I was devastated but knew the results of the surgery were beneficial so begrudgingly I went through with it the second time......
To be continued
He proposed to me nine months later while we watched The Wizard of Oz in my living room. Guess what I said? Yes, of course(Cheesiness ends here)
I continued with the vomitting, choking, chest spasms, fainting spells , etc. during the first years of our marriage.
I carried 2 babies who were high risk due to my mysterious illness, I was hospitalized for dehydration several times during my pregnancies both girls were prematurely born thhrough emergency c- sections.
After the birth of my second child, my doctor said I had gall stones and that was what was giving me all the symptoms. I wasn't so sure because I've had the symptoms for years by this time and wouldn't Gall stones be pretty apparent with all the tests I've taken but I went along. I was desperate. I was down to 70lbs. I looked skeletal. I could barely stand and I couldn't go out because of the fear I would faint.
I had surgery to remove my gall bladder. ugh! It was horrible but while I was in the hospital recovering, I ate the hospital food and the symptoms were still there.
I returned home 2 weeks after my c-section immediately followed by my gall bladder surgery a week later. At home I did the best I could and people around me were growing frustrated that my symptoms were still manifesting.
A week of recovery at home and weepful prayers, I returned to the hospital to get my stitches removed.
While my stitches were being removed my very caring and concerned doctor with the bedside manners of an angel spoke to me. "I have some good news and some bad news." He said
I thought something was wrong with the stitches, perhaps they were infected but he said he had some good news too, what could it be?
"We found out what's wrong with you. We know what's been causing your difficulty and swallowing and your choking."
I knew it wasnt the gall bladder!!!!
All stitches removed he stood before me and explained. If this were a movie , the camera would pan out and you would see a mixture of expressions on my face and the back of my doctors head , of course.
I went from excited to horrified to relieved to scared. This is what he told me.
This is paraphrased
" You have a rare disorder called Achalasia. You have Massive Achalasia. There is no cure. It is a stricture of the esophagus. It is congenital, meaning you were born with it. Your esophagus does not move when it should . It is paralyzed and the stricture (bottom part) is practically closed, the entryway is a thick as a sewing needle (which is why even liquids wouldn't go down) It is a miracle you are alive and carried 2 babies but we have to do emergency surgery because you will not be able to survive with this for long....."
I had the surgery. There were risk because it was a highly invasive surgery and my condition at the time of it was especially frail.
The surgery is called a Heller Myotomy. The surgeon cuts below thhe left breast to under the left arm to the mid back. The surgery is performed by taking the bottom half of my esophagus and cutting it , then wrapping the stomach tube thingy around it to act as the stricture. It was extensive surgery and many times it was touch and go. I was in intensive care for days after and in the hospital for weeks recovering. I have a scar resembling a shark bite on my left side with over one hundred stitches.
Before I ate my first real meal (not liquids) I read a Psalm and prayed. I ate my first meal and to feel the food pass through the esophagus and into my stomach was mind blowing. I cried and thanked God. I was so happy.
I was able to eat well after that and put on weight quickly because my metabolism was shot but I WAS SWALLOWING.
This lasted for 15 years . Then the symptoms began again. "There is no cure." I denied the symptoms for a long time but they were getting worse and worse. Four years ago, now. The doctor said the Heller Myotomy needed to be done again because the Achalasia returned.
I was devastated but knew the results of the surgery were beneficial so begrudgingly I went through with it the second time......
To be continued
,at 4:59 AM
The symptoms began when I was 12 years old but they did not register with me. I thought it was a normal discomfort that everyone went through, like puberty or growing pains. But when the difficulty in swallowing (motility disorder) began, then I was freaked out.
Coming from a latin family who fed and fed and fed, having difficulty swallowing, as you can imagine was not going to be recieved well, especially in my family.
When I was young I was alway thin and I would rather play outside then stay inside to eat dinner so I was what they called "a picky eater" (malamaniosa) to use a latin term and coming from a strict and stern upbringing was forced to eat my meals with my mother sitting across from me with a belt in her hand.
Everytime I said, "I'm full, I can't eat anymore." I was given the strap.
So I was gagging on my food and getting hit for it. My thighs were stinging in pain from the beltings and my throat was closing up this was a daily routine, so much so that I hated 5:00 pm (dinner time ) because I would be getting hit.
This stopped when on one occassion I turned red and couldn't breathe. The food wasn't going in or out but it was stuck in my esophagus. This scared my mother and she dragged me to the bathroom and put her finger inside my throat until I vomitted.
From then on food became more and more difficult to swallow but that did not stop my parents from believing I was making it up so that I wouldn't have to eat and it didn't stop the strap either.
Until one day my dad grabbed me by the arm and put me in the stationwagon. He had enough! He drove me to my favorite fast food place and ordered a meal for me at the drive through. I told him I would not be able to eat it but he got angry and told me to stop my dramatics. We pulled into the fast food parking lot and I was forced to eat, tears welling up in my eyes and then after 2 bites , I felt that same sensation the food wasn't going down or up and I did like my mother did I opened the car door put my finger down my throat and threw up. My father very calmly said ", Okay, your not a picky eater, we'll make a doctor's appointment tomorrow."
By the way, the worst thing in the world is being sick an nobody believing you.
The first of many tests entailed a long, thick, black rubber hose put down my throat with a camera at the end (under anesthesia) of course.
Nothing. The doctors found nothing and this went on and on, test after test after test and the vomitting went on as well.
I became thinner and thinner and was scolded many times "It's all in your head!" So the dinnertime beatings continued.
My father passed away at the age of 41 from heart disease and family life went further downhill. I thought I was crazy and continued to force myself to eat, gag, throw up and try again. Until, once in high school in the cafeteria I choked so badly that I ran to the bathroom, being stopped by the bathroom monitor. "You better not go in there to smoke." Before I could answer her, the food came out of my mouth and fell on her shoes. Of course she screamed, she was so grossed out and everyone in the cafeteria turned to look. "She threw up on me!" she cried and that pretty much grossed everyone out of their appetite. And all I heard was a chorus of "ewwww!"
I was relieved and ridiculed.
Relieved that for the first time in a long time I did not have to force myself to throw up but the food, albeit painful, came out on it's own.
I was ridiculed that I threw up on someones shoes at the school cafeteria, so much so that I ran out of the cafeteria, downstairs and out of the building. I cut the rest of the afternoon.
I walked from my high school (Bay Ridge High school) at the time (Now Telecommunications) on 65th and fourth to my destination 52nd street between 5th and 6th where I lived at the time.
I was throwing up the entire time, having to stop between parked cars to vomit with tears in my eyes, you can imagine the stares from passersby.
This became scarier for me because my symptoms worsened. I became anemic, would pass out frequently because of lack of nourishment and dehydration and my chest began to ache painfully from the constant vomitting.....
* side note* count how many times the word vomitting is used in this post if you get bored by my story.
Anyway...I began to rebuke Satan and claim the name of Jesus Christ because if this was all in my head it had to get out, but it didn't stop. I would pass up front very time there was an altar call so that I could be delivered from this mental state that closed my esophagus. Altar call after altar call after altar call, to no avail.
By this time my mother of course stopped force feeding me and with the marriage of my older sister, my brother moving to Columbus, Ohio , my father dead and my mother beginning her new life, I was pretty much alone with this and would constantly bring myself to the emergency room.... when even forcefully vomitting did not move the food and so I would spent countless hours alone in the emergency room until I threw up, to then walk home at 3 in the morning without anyone noticing I was gone. I actually preferred it this way because frankly, if there wasn't anything wrong with me, it was humiliating. I was embarassed to have such a gross "fake illness."
I grew older carrying the guilt of my "food malicia" I continued going to church. Dating was hard. My boyfriend, Angel would bring me out to eat but I would refuse to eat. He couldn't understand.... and how could he if I never explained it to him? And frankly I didn't understand it myself.
On one occassion we went to Burger King , He was starving, and ordered himself a meal and looked at me as if to say "You're gonna eat right?" I ordered fries. This made him very happy. I sat and watched him swallow his meal with such envy and didn't touch my fries. After a while, concerned, he insisted I eat the fries. Having spent the entire day with me and I hadn't eaten. I ate the first fry with my heart beating quickly. "God, please don't let me throw up, pleeeaaaassseee don't let me throw up" I would pray in my head.
Each bite of fry stacked one on top of the other and didn't move. I ate 3 fries and said , "I was full." It was very difficult to say those three words because I was "choking" on my fries. I didn't speak all the way home. I couldn't, I was in excruciating pain and wanted those fries out of my esophagus before something awful happened.
He walked me to the front door and I ran inside. No kiss goodnight. I ran up the stairs and into the bathroom to induce vomitting. I wept ugly. And asked God what was wrong. I asked Him to deliver me. I told Him I knew He could do it because He had miraculously healed my hands. I wept in the bathroom for along time
I was in love with this boy and I knew that if I did not get better I would have to break it off with him.
One day at Charlies Pizzeria we sat in the booth in the back alone. It was after a Friday night Jovenes Service and I asked if we could sit alone, away from the other Jovenes because I wanted to speak to him alone.
He was confused but complied .
I was going to break it off with him that night , in Charlies pizzeria!!!!
To be continued....
Coming from a latin family who fed and fed and fed, having difficulty swallowing, as you can imagine was not going to be recieved well, especially in my family.
When I was young I was alway thin and I would rather play outside then stay inside to eat dinner so I was what they called "a picky eater" (malamaniosa) to use a latin term and coming from a strict and stern upbringing was forced to eat my meals with my mother sitting across from me with a belt in her hand.
Everytime I said, "I'm full, I can't eat anymore." I was given the strap.
So I was gagging on my food and getting hit for it. My thighs were stinging in pain from the beltings and my throat was closing up this was a daily routine, so much so that I hated 5:00 pm (dinner time ) because I would be getting hit.
This stopped when on one occassion I turned red and couldn't breathe. The food wasn't going in or out but it was stuck in my esophagus. This scared my mother and she dragged me to the bathroom and put her finger inside my throat until I vomitted.
From then on food became more and more difficult to swallow but that did not stop my parents from believing I was making it up so that I wouldn't have to eat and it didn't stop the strap either.
Until one day my dad grabbed me by the arm and put me in the stationwagon. He had enough! He drove me to my favorite fast food place and ordered a meal for me at the drive through. I told him I would not be able to eat it but he got angry and told me to stop my dramatics. We pulled into the fast food parking lot and I was forced to eat, tears welling up in my eyes and then after 2 bites , I felt that same sensation the food wasn't going down or up and I did like my mother did I opened the car door put my finger down my throat and threw up. My father very calmly said ", Okay, your not a picky eater, we'll make a doctor's appointment tomorrow."
By the way, the worst thing in the world is being sick an nobody believing you.
The first of many tests entailed a long, thick, black rubber hose put down my throat with a camera at the end (under anesthesia) of course.
Nothing. The doctors found nothing and this went on and on, test after test after test and the vomitting went on as well.
I became thinner and thinner and was scolded many times "It's all in your head!" So the dinnertime beatings continued.
My father passed away at the age of 41 from heart disease and family life went further downhill. I thought I was crazy and continued to force myself to eat, gag, throw up and try again. Until, once in high school in the cafeteria I choked so badly that I ran to the bathroom, being stopped by the bathroom monitor. "You better not go in there to smoke." Before I could answer her, the food came out of my mouth and fell on her shoes. Of course she screamed, she was so grossed out and everyone in the cafeteria turned to look. "She threw up on me!" she cried and that pretty much grossed everyone out of their appetite. And all I heard was a chorus of "ewwww!"
I was relieved and ridiculed.
Relieved that for the first time in a long time I did not have to force myself to throw up but the food, albeit painful, came out on it's own.
I was ridiculed that I threw up on someones shoes at the school cafeteria, so much so that I ran out of the cafeteria, downstairs and out of the building. I cut the rest of the afternoon.
I walked from my high school (Bay Ridge High school) at the time (Now Telecommunications) on 65th and fourth to my destination 52nd street between 5th and 6th where I lived at the time.
I was throwing up the entire time, having to stop between parked cars to vomit with tears in my eyes, you can imagine the stares from passersby.
This became scarier for me because my symptoms worsened. I became anemic, would pass out frequently because of lack of nourishment and dehydration and my chest began to ache painfully from the constant vomitting.....
* side note* count how many times the word vomitting is used in this post if you get bored by my story.
Anyway...I began to rebuke Satan and claim the name of Jesus Christ because if this was all in my head it had to get out, but it didn't stop. I would pass up front very time there was an altar call so that I could be delivered from this mental state that closed my esophagus. Altar call after altar call after altar call, to no avail.
By this time my mother of course stopped force feeding me and with the marriage of my older sister, my brother moving to Columbus, Ohio , my father dead and my mother beginning her new life, I was pretty much alone with this and would constantly bring myself to the emergency room.... when even forcefully vomitting did not move the food and so I would spent countless hours alone in the emergency room until I threw up, to then walk home at 3 in the morning without anyone noticing I was gone. I actually preferred it this way because frankly, if there wasn't anything wrong with me, it was humiliating. I was embarassed to have such a gross "fake illness."
I grew older carrying the guilt of my "food malicia" I continued going to church. Dating was hard. My boyfriend, Angel would bring me out to eat but I would refuse to eat. He couldn't understand.... and how could he if I never explained it to him? And frankly I didn't understand it myself.
On one occassion we went to Burger King , He was starving, and ordered himself a meal and looked at me as if to say "You're gonna eat right?" I ordered fries. This made him very happy. I sat and watched him swallow his meal with such envy and didn't touch my fries. After a while, concerned, he insisted I eat the fries. Having spent the entire day with me and I hadn't eaten. I ate the first fry with my heart beating quickly. "God, please don't let me throw up, pleeeaaaassseee don't let me throw up" I would pray in my head.
Each bite of fry stacked one on top of the other and didn't move. I ate 3 fries and said , "I was full." It was very difficult to say those three words because I was "choking" on my fries. I didn't speak all the way home. I couldn't, I was in excruciating pain and wanted those fries out of my esophagus before something awful happened.
He walked me to the front door and I ran inside. No kiss goodnight. I ran up the stairs and into the bathroom to induce vomitting. I wept ugly. And asked God what was wrong. I asked Him to deliver me. I told Him I knew He could do it because He had miraculously healed my hands. I wept in the bathroom for along time
I was in love with this boy and I knew that if I did not get better I would have to break it off with him.
One day at Charlies Pizzeria we sat in the booth in the back alone. It was after a Friday night Jovenes Service and I asked if we could sit alone, away from the other Jovenes because I wanted to speak to him alone.
He was confused but complied .
I was going to break it off with him that night , in Charlies pizzeria!!!!
To be continued....
Friday, September 01, 2006,at 8:57 AM
A Dollar for Sunday School
A little boy came home eating a big candy bar.
Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it.
"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said.
"But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied.
Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"
A little boy came home eating a big candy bar.
Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it.
"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said.
"But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied.
Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"